Emily & Mom,

Yes it would be a bad idea to have an engagement party and not invite them to the wedding. That said, it doesn't mean you can't have a fun Christmas party and "announce" the engagment. (you guys totally lucked out on the timing) This way it is just a fun house party and no one's feelings will be hurt if they don't get an invitation later but they still get to see and congratulate the couple.
Good luck!
Robin

While I may agree with Ms. Post regarding traditional weddings, I think there are always exceptions to the rule. Aren't rules meant to be broken anyways? If everyone attending knows the wedding will be a small affair, and are not expecting an invitation, I don't think it's in poor taste to invite them. On the other hand, if they know they can't go to the wedding, and then find out they are also not invited to the engagement celebration, they may get their feelings hurt a bit. If you don't want to stray too far from traditional etiquette, perhaps call it something different than an "engagement party."

We are dealing with a variation of this problem. Due to job changes/life changes, etc, it seems that a lot of the people invited to our engagement party aren't really people that we are close to anymore. It's awkward no matter what we do.

It's a tough call, but I think Emily Post is right in this situation. It's one of those situations where it seems okay beforehand, but once you are at the engagement party and you're conversing with guests who are not invited to the wedding reception, you'll see why social experts navigate away from this type of situation. Those guests will be asking when and where the wedding is, as they'll expect to begin looking ahead on their schedule and planning to attend.

I attended a friend's engagement party where this was the situation, and the bride was horrified by the end of the night after all of these conversations - even several people saying, "I can't wait to get my invitation in the mail!" She and her mother decided to sit down and retroactively add 20-30 people to their wedding attendee list, out of a feeling of obligation. Obviously that's not an option with a destination wedding, so your mother/sister would have no option but to let those people down gently. And, for any wedding on a budget, that is adding several thousand dollars to your reception budget and could break the bank.

Can you argue that it is presumptuous for those people to make statements assuming that they're invited to the wedding? Of course...but keeping the guest list the same for all wedding related events is the easiest way to not even have to worry about that. I think most people will assume they're invited to the wedding if they're invited to the engagement party, and it's pretty awkward to have to field those questions knowing that they're not.

Congratulations! My older sister just got married and it IS a very exciting time.

I think as long as all the guests invited to the engagement party know that it's going to be a small wedding it would be fine.

I hope that helps!

If this is considered a "destination wedding", as it sounds, then certainly guests to the engagement party should not really expect to be invited. But if the "limited guests" live in the same town as the wedding, well....sort of sounds like the beginning of some resentments...sorry.

I agree with Cait's comment. I am in a similar situation and while I would love to include more people in my hometown engagement party, I am not able to include them all in my destination wedding. I contemplated, but then realized it becomes very awkward for those that are not invited to both. I have been told to have an Announcement party AFTER the wedding if you want to include more guests announcing the marriage.

Hi Emily (and Mom!),

I think I'll have to agree with Emily Post in saying that it's in bad taste to invite people to the engagement party that aren't invited to the wedding. I think it would hurt the feelings of those who weren't invited to the wedding, and their thoughts may be something along the lines of: "What? I'm okay to come to the party (and possibly bring a gift), but I'm not okay to come to the wedding? I don't understand," While I understand that your sister wants to have a small wedding (congrats to her, by the way!), some people might look past that detail when inquiring about their wedding invitation and have their feelings hurt.

I definitely agree with the first post from Robin: have a "Christmas party" where she also happens to announce her engagement--kind of like in "Steel Magnolias" when Shelby's dad announced that she was expecting a baby at their Christmas party.

I hope this helps! And many blessings on your sister and her marriage!

Emily is right. This rule doesn't just protect the guest, but it also protects the host. People are SO sensitive! Even if you let it be known that this is your arrangement, people will still talk and make you feel bad about not inviting them to the wedding. So just to keep yourself from being talked about and out of gossip, I would just only invite the people invited to the wedding. It will save a lot of frustration! And who needs added frustration during a wedding!!

I have to say, in a situation like this - when the wedding is a small destination event and assuming it is UNDERSTOOD that only a very small # of people will be invited to the wedding - inviting other people to the engagement party (or bridal showers, or other wedding events) is perfectly fine.

Hi Emily! I am actually in a very similar situation now. I am planning an August 2010 wedding and my fiance and I will be spending some time at home with my parents in Florida over Christmas. My mom wants to have a party while we are there and is planning to invite people who will not be invited to the wedding. We decided to handle it by not calling it an engagement party and we are not indicating that it is being given in honor of my fiance and me on the invites. We are also telling anyone who asks NOT to bring a gift. We figured that our guests would realize that my fiance and I will be there so they can come by to see us if they want, but it's not technically an "engagement party." I think this is similar to what Robin and Brittany are suggesting. Hope it helps and congrats to you and your family!

I believe it would be in poor taste to invite guests to the engagement party but not the wedding. Etiquette rules like these are designed to avoid offense and to avoid awkward social situations -- for a broad spectrum of people. While it might be alright for you, for example, who is to say it won't hurt somebody else.

Someone else suggested it, but perhaps it might be a good idea have a post-wedding party to include those people who were not invited to the wedding.

I appreciate that your sister is in a difficult position by trying to accommodate a select few for a limited venue, but she (and mom) wants to invite friends to the engagement party to celebrate! I am in a similar situation, as my fiance and I got engaged in England recently, but will be getting married in my hometown in Texas. We wanted to celebrate here in England when we got engaged, so we invited a lot of people to our party, knowing that we wouldn't invite all of them to the wedding in Texas, where our wedding guests will consist of family and close friends. I think that lots of our invited guests to the engagement party were really happy to come and celebrate with us, but knew that they would not come to (nor be invited to) our Texas wedding. So, in conclusion, I think if there are people who want to celebrate with you but won't be able to go to the wedding (because they can't make the flight or won't be included in a limited guest list), invite them to the engagement party- spread the love!

Keep it coming, y'all! This is very helpful feedback. The point you're making about conversations we'll have with guests at the party is extremely valid and something I don't think we thought about much.

When I originally read this post I was firmly set on the side that this was an exception to Ms. Post's rule, since it was a destination wedding but I was pulled away from the computer before I could reply and after reading others' replies I have to agree that people ARE sensitive and that the best way to handle this would be to either have a Christmas party and announce the engagement or have an announcement party AFTER the wedding to let the uninvited guest express warm wishes.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule and I think inviting someone like a close friend to the mother to an engagment party, that isn't invited to the wedding, and who knows she isn't invited but requested to come, is acceptable but inviting an entire guest list of people that won't be coming to the wedding is a recipe for misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

Dealing with as many brides & families as we do, I have to agree with Ms. Post... while so many wedding etiquette "does and don'ts" have fallen by the wayside, your sister would do well to adhere to the policy of 'engagement party=wedding invitations'. They can always throw parties in the general area of the families & friends after the wedding & reception... gives them the opportunity to have 3 receptions!!

I have to agree with tradition on this one.. Personally, I would be upset if someone invited me to the engagement party and not the wedding. Maybe if it was a distant cousin and I was invited to the engagement party by my mother or grandmother, I would understand, but if it was a college friend or a colleague or a close family friend, it would definitely ruffle some feathers. I really liked the suggestion of just having a regular holiday party and having your parents "announce" the engaged couple there. I think that's a perfect solution!

I think because it is basically a destination wedding it is understood that people that you love can't all be put on the wedding guest list. Having the engagement party is a great way to involve everyone else.

I have been invited to showers before where I never expected a wedding invitation....I don't see what the difference is.

If your sister was having the wedding in your parents' hometown it would be a different story, but I say the more the merrier.

(keeping a holiday theme also will help.)

If they will not be invited to the wedding, they should not be invited to any gathering in celebration of the engagement. That is in poor taste......however.......it is Christmas, and who's to say, as long as you keep your lips tight, that you can't have a Holiday celebration without the big "Announcement" ? Keep it simple and low key.......

I'm siding with Mrs. Post on this one. If they are "close" enough to be invited to an engagement party, they should be invited to the wedding (same for showers). And also, I love you Emily! Your book was a great guide for my upcoming wedding. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom.

I also agree with Emily. I always look at the situation in terms of how I would feel if it happened to me. I would be upset and would wonder why I was invited to an engagement party and not invited to the wedding.

You can't assume that your engagement party guests will understand that you are having a small wedding and you didn't make the list.

However you (the hostess) presents it, people will make their own assumptions and generally will feel negatively about being left out. And that's what it's about really.....regardless of why, the bottom line is that the left-out guest will see it as you invited this person to the engagement party AND the wedding but only invited me to the engagement party?

Everything that I have read has said that if they are invited to the engagement party they have to be invited to the wedding. I think that people will assume that if they are invited into the engagement party that will be invited to the wedding.
You can have a get together after the wedding for everyone that didn't attend the wedding since you are having a small wedding.

Ok first, never assume ANYTHING is understood. While it makes perfect sense that it SHOULD be understood this is more of a "destination" thing... people aren't very logical... and when it comes to feelings, it's just not worth the risk. (Especially if these people are connected to each other and would be talking about attending etc. as time goes on.)

Now, if you were to host the event specifically noting that it's a celebration for the bride and groom in lieu of a large wedding (like so many do AFTER they return from small or destination weddings), then I think you'd have more people understand from the beginning it's in place of a large ceremony. Unfortunately, they'll probably be expecting a bigger event/party, bring gifts (that the couple may not be ready for), etc., etc., so this isn't necessary fabulous, in my opinion.

Short and sweet - don't chance it. Either keep your lists the same (unless parties are thrown by the groom's side, bride's side, etc. that wouldn't expect everyone at the wedding in general to attend) to avoid hurt feelings, confusions, and a lack of understand what should be understood ;-)

I was in a similar situation where my husbands family lived far away from my home town where our intimate wedding was being held. His mother threw us what we referred to as a "pre-ception", inviting all the extended family, friends, coworkers etc, many of whom would no be invited to the wedding. Maybe if it was referred to as something other than "engagement party"? Like "celebration of love" or something. Also, I think that if it is understood that the wedding will be small, most people will understand. However, as many of us know, you not going to be able to make EVERYONE happy, so in the end you just have to do what makes YOU comfortable!